IMAGO 101: "Into Me You See = Intimacy"

I have received several comments and emails regarding the transformative weekend workshop my husband and I attended last week. IMAGO is a powerful vehicle for transforming unconscious relationships into conscious ones. Because 1) I truly believe that our hope for survival as a species is to become more aware, more conscious of ourselves and others and because 2) one way to do so is to try to understand each others’ stories, I will share what this is all about and encourage you, if you are experiencing a road block in any relationship, to look into these workshops (they are offered world-wide) and/or look into the different books written by Harville Hendrix and Helen Hunt. Ok….well….let’s get down to business….

The Workshop (or 6 months of therapy in 3 days)

First of all let me clarify that our workshop was not therapy in its traditional sense – it was more therapeutic via a psycho-educational route. Therapy is available for couples who wish to pursue what they have learned further. This is also the first step in training to become certified as an IMAGO therapist as well as training to learn how to teach the workshops. Training to becoming a certified IMAGO therapist requires licensure as a psychologist, social worker, professional counselor and such. For those who feel inspired to teach the workshops, but do not have those credentials, you can become an IMAGO educator and co-lead workshops with your spouse. One thing I will mention is that IMAGO is one of many relationship theories. What I like about this one is that it can be successfully incorporated into many theoretical frameworks when in therapy or working with couples.

The IMAGO workshop is an application of the theory and principles of the IMAGO Process for couples interested in improving the quality of their relationship. IMAGO means "image." As you read on, you will understand why this "image" and more specifically "mirror image" is so important in this theory.

Stages of Relationships

Every relationship has stages and couples cycle through these stages. Some manage to do it better than others. We start out in the romantic love stage. We all are familiar with this one and it is a favorite. It is the falling in love stage where everything looks clearer, colors are more vibrant, the air around us smells better, music seems to be playing in the background and there is a spring in our step. But there is a catch….that stage is not meant to last for many reasons (including biological ones), but that is not the focus of IMAGO.

Sometime after the six month mark and definitely before the two year mark, we sober up. We are no longer intoxicated and begin to become disillusioned, frustrated, and angry. We’ve reached an impasse. This is the crucial “tipping point” addressed through IMAGO. It is where reactivity can be transformed into intentionality and the unconscious couple can become conscious. But, there is a choice to be made here. Many people believe that love just happens. And maybe this is true of romantic love. However, it takes much more than a whim for that love to grow. It requires a re-commitment, a decision or choice to see our couplehood as an opportunity for growth and healing.

Out of respect to our relationship, I will not share specifics about our relationship here. But, I will speak in generalities and in some cases I may talk about me specifically. I have known my husband for 10 years and we have been married for 8 years. We have experienced these stages. Our problem was that we seemed to continue to get stuck in the power struggle and seemed to cycle between power struggle and re-commitment over and over. This past year, was probably the most difficult and most challenging we have had, but our problems did not start this year. They actually started about 33-34 years ago.

Childhood Wounding

In the movie Castaway with Tom Hanks, his character is stranded on a deserted island for 4 years. Early into that part of the movie, his character takes a volleyball, creates a face on it with his blood and gives the ball the name “Wilson”. Hanks’ character than projects onto the ball pretty much all that he would like in another person. As the movie progresses, Hanks’ character begins to argue with “Wilson” even though “Wilson” doesn’t speak. He even gets angry with the ball. When he finally loses “Wilson” at sea, the loss of that connection is painful to watch.

IMAGO works within the framework that we all come into this world fully alive as core energy with an innate desire to connect. This is what babies do - they spend their time trying to make eye contact. When we look into an infant's eyes we also feel that desire for connection. This need for connection does not change and even the absence of another, humans find a way to connect. Facebook is a great example of this although Facebook does give us a false sense of connection.

As infants grow, messages are sent to the child by their caregivers and other well meaning adults in their life. These messages are interpreted in a variety of different ways by the child, probably far different than the parental sender intended.

We hear messages like "you shouldn't feel that way" and interpret them as "this feeling is not ok." Parents will say "don't touch that" or "don't eat that to their children." We don't mean anything by it - we are just trying to protect them. However, if said enough, the message it sends is that exploration is not ok.

As their core begins to fill with messages that "they" are not ok, certain parts are lost. We say lost because these parts never fully disappear since energy cannot be created or destroyed. As human beings, self preservation, survival of the fittest happens at a very basic level. In order to stay alive, if you will, you adapt to the home environment you are born into in order to fit in. If you come from a family where feelings are not expressed, you repress yours. If anger is the only thing you witness in your household growing up, it becomes one of the few emotions you allow yourself to express. The same is true if you come from a home where only positive emotions were expressed. You shun the negative ones and do not learn to cope with those very well.

One thing to note is that IMAGO does not blame parents for these wounds and encourages you not to do that. Parents do their best with what they know at the time. And when you learn that all of us carry with us these childhood hurts and not all of us are given the means to heal and grow, you can begin to understand that our parents really did not know better. It is easier to forgive from this standpoint.

Hailstorms and Turtles, Oh my!

We make adaptations to our way of being to survive. You can see this best if you focus on circumstances of abuse. Sometimes we look at abuse victims and wonder how they survived. The answer was careful adaptation.

In IMAGO, they refer to these adaptations as maximing/maximizers and minimizing/minimizers, affectionately known as a "hailstorms" and "turtles" in our workshop. Turtles tend to avoid, shut down and withdraw. They keep feelings in, tend to diminish emotion, deny dependency, withhold feelings, thoughts and behaviors, tend to be inner directed, takes direction mainly from self, tend to dominate others and alternates between passive aggressive and dominance/control.

Then you have the Maximizers. Hailstorms tend to be critical, nagging and demanding. They let their feelings out (especially the angry ones), exaggerate emotions, tend to be dependent on others, exaggerate needs, tend towards clinging, have unclear self boundaries, ask for direction from others, act impulsively, alternate between passivity and aggressiveness and tend to act submissively and manipulatively.

So, you are both either one or the other, or you are two of a kind. Two of kind is a dangerous combination. Two Hailstorms that collide in a fight can turn into a disaster quickly and the same is true for two low energy turtles who retreat and pretty much avoid each other in rough times. Most of the time, the combination is "Hailstorm/Turtle."

Mating Season

So, flash forward to your young adult years. You are looking for a mate. But, guess what you are really looking for (from an IMAGO point of view)....your parents! We love the familiar. It is why certain sights, sounds and smells trigger warm childhood memories and the same is true for the negative ones. This happens at an unconscious level. On the outside it looks like you are seeking someone with positive traits, but at the same time, in a parallel universe known as your unconscious, you are also choosing someone with similar negative traits of your parents.

I have personally experienced this in my own life with my husband. This is the reason that when I first heard about IMAGO years ago, I felt it would be helpful in our relationship. My husband is the perfect blend of both my mother and father in both positive and negative ways.

This is one of the reasons each relationship stage tends to play out the same with each potential mate you are with. If you have ever heard that "you are dating the same person in a different pair of pants," this is what they are talking about.

So, you meet "the one" and enter into a kind of emotional symbiosis where we believe that:

"We both want the same things"

"We agree on so many things. We have so much in common."

You feel:

..."like I have always known you." (A sense of recognition and the irony here is that you really have always known that person;-)

..."one with everyone and everything.”(A sense of timelessness)

...."you complete me." (A sense of wholeness).

...."I can't live without you."

And with flight of fancy you.....get married!

As you embark on your honeymoon, you pack your bags, but there are more bags than you bargained for. In addition to the clothes and sexy lingerie you likely packed, you each brought along a bag marked "unmet needs" and another one marked "lost parts." And together we embark on Happily Ever After.....not!

Re-Commitment, Awakening, and Real Love

At some point in the power struggle, a choice must be made. Marriage is certainly not for the faint at heart. Some of us go on to re-commitment, going deeper to find the true origins of these tensions. As I have seen time and again, it is never about what you think it is about. Couples begin to peel away the layers in their relationship to find that in each of us is a hurt child looking for someone to help them find the lost parts and to help meet their unmet needs. There is reciprocity here - there are two hurt children (some more hurt than others) that need to heal. There are also two adults that need to grow. In this process, there is an awakening that leads to real or what they can “vintage love”.

Growth and Healing

IMAGO theory posits that our love relationships serve two purposes: growth and healing. Healing for each partner from what are called "wounds of childhood". These wounds can be minor as a parent who unknowingly makes you feel “inadequate" by doing everything for you to the more severe involving any form of abuse. The one helping the other heal is simultaneously given the opportunity to stretch themselves beyond their comfort zone and, in doing so, grow.

But, this purpose is not realized if couples give up on their relationships. Too often people are very quick to let the relationship go. It is the easy thing to do of course. However, when you go on to another potential mate, the same problems that plagued you in your previous relationship/marriage follow you into the next. It has nothing to do with the person you are with, but more with what that person triggers in you (childhood wounds).

When your partner does something that annoys you, instead of picking a fight with them, IMAGO encourages you to look within yourself and find out what that annoyance reminds you of from your childhood. It also requests that you look for the hurt child in your partner (not treat your partner like a child). The majority of us will rush to the aid of a hurt child and try to comfort them. But, in our own relationships when someone is raging (tantruming) we let them drown. IMAGO helps you develop compassion for this unexpressed side of your partner that is trying to emerge and teaches you to get out of your comfort zone to comfort the child inside your partner.

Our Favorite Argument Topics

In the workshop, they identified the top two things couples fight the most about are money and sex. Studies have confirmed this. On a scale of 1-10 with 10 being the worse, those two issues are a 10 at the top of the pyramid. But below them there are more minor issues. IMAGO teaches you to tackle the ones at the bottom of the pyramid (number 1's and 2's). If you can unravel the mystery behind these minor problems (childhood wounds), the pyramid begins to crumble and the items at number 10 are now minor problems rated as a 1.

Exits

IMAGO goes beyond discussing the catastrophic relationship exits like affairs, untreated mental disorders or addictions, domestic violence etc. It focuses more on those that contribute to what they call the “invisible divorce.” These include too much TV viewing, computer use (including Facebook), working, sleeping, reading, playing sports, eating, friends, cleaning and focusing too much on children. There are many more, of course, and others may be true to you. Between the time couples hit the power struggle and before they enter the re-commitment stage, these “symptoms” come up. Rather than connect, we avoid connection by overindulging in all these things. This is a sign that your relationship is in trouble and will either compel you to reconnect or bow out (ideally with grace). By the way, per our instructors, couples that are working through affairs in the IMAGO framework tend to “bulletproof” their marriage.

Our journey

When we are single, and I am speaking from the female perspective, we love to talk with our girlfriends about the guys we are dating. We don’t leave much out. We tend to be quite open about the good, the bad, and the ugly. But, when we marry, that piece of paper changes everything. It is almost a license to have a relationship be practically perfect in every way in the eyes of the world. The problem is that this is rarely the case. Never judge a book by its cover, or in this case, by the happy faces waving to you from the front door. You have no idea what goes on within that home when you leave and the doors close.

My husband and I had been experiencing significant problems in our marriage as far back as 2004. However, nothing ever happens in a vacuum. In the midst of trouble, there were also wonderful moments and times. However, we were not on the same page about getting help for our troubles and kept blowing them off. I have learned in recent years that what you resist persists.

This is the point where my husband and I were when we came back to the US late last year. We were at a point where it was do or die for our relationship. We could not continue to resist because the way things were going, we would likely not have a marriage left if we waited to return to the US in summer of 2009. We shared the reason for our departure with our friends in Warsaw who soon began to share in turn about how their own marriages were struggling. We received much support in the most unlikely of places. Leaving our marriage would be the easy way out, but we have two wonderful children who deserve parents that are willing to exhaust all means of repairing the disconnection between them.

We both entered therapy in December 2008/January 2009 separately amid the most stressful time of our life. With this workshop, we have taken everything we learned separately and have incorporated into this IMAGO work. For the first time this year, we have come full circle and our relationship has slowly been transformed into a sacred one that we have no doubt will endure over time. We know for sure that we are exactly with the person we need to be with.

Tools

IMAGO offers a variety of tools to help with reconnections. For some of us, they may seem cumbersome. However, if applied to your everyday life, your relationship will continue to evolve. Among these are various communication tools that are optimally performed seated face to face, knee to knee, while holding hands. This creates the space called “us.” There is a lot of acknowledgement, appreciation, and all kinds of little things that do wonders for relationships.

One thing they provided was a weekly homework sheet where you choose days of the week to engage in certain conversations and to do things for your partner. At first, we wondered how we were going to fit it into our hectic lives, but we did and amid the chaos that is our lives, it was a very pleasant and insightful week.

We also took home some practical tools that our children will be using to help us refocus. We have been fighting much less this past year, but when we fight, you would think that My husband and I are dueling in a court of law. Our children have witnessed our heated words.

Speaking from my own childhood experience, I grew up in a household where I NEVER saw my parents argue or fight. I have no idea how they managed this especially since I now know that they had their fair share of arguments. I was never privy to this growing up.

This is an honorable action I suppose. But, for me personally, this actually ended up hurting me more than helping. I never knew that relationships had discord until I found myself knee deep in it and sinking further wondering what was going so wrong. This is why, for me, it is important that children not only watch their parents argue, but also watch them reconcile (at least the PG version of that). They need to know that all relationships have arguments and what we have learned this year is how to argue more effectively so that we are not hurtful as we have been in the past.

One suggestion made by our workshop presenters was to give the children a box of plastic lizards. Why lizards? Because when we argue (becoming hailstorms or turtle), at a biological level we are activating the “reptilian” part of our brain. This is the part of our brain that tells us to “fight or flee” a dangerous situation. When we argue, most of the time we feel threatened. However, our reptilian brain does not realize that we are living in 2009 and that the person lashing out at us is not a rabid animal we would have encountered millions of years ago. The children are to throw the lizards on the floor in front of us to remind us that “it’s just the lizards.”

Another aspect that we implemented was using glass stones to help mark our positive experiences as a couple and as a family. We purchased glass stones (you can find them at Bed Bath and Beyond). For every positive experience as a couple or family or positive resolution to a conflict, we place a glass stone in a vase. The purpose is to remind us of all the positive aspects of our relationship when we are feeling frustrated or going through difficult moments.

Closing Thoughts

I have attended many a workshop of this sort in my lifetime one my own beginning with my high school “Senior Encounter” in 12^th grade. This was not much different from encounter only that it focuses on couples. Every time I attend these things, I come away on a high, rather intoxicated as a matter of fact, not very different from that of romantic love. This time, I did not come home with that feeling. As we left the “reality” of that workshop and entered our world of adaptations, I knew we would be more than ok because we no longer expect our relationship to be fine without the work necessary to make it so. And both of us fully expect to find ourselves taking this workshop again in the future because our relationship is constantly evolving.

My relationship with My husband is far from perfect. It is not supposed to be. But rather than look at our problems as such, we have shifted our thinking to think of them more as opportunities for learning and growth. We have learned to be more compassionate with each other. While we have been together for 10 years, one of the many things we realized was that we have a lifetime to learn about each other. We have developed a newfound curiosity about each other we have not felt since we first met. We are on the same page about what we want from our life together. As turbulent as last year was, it has brought us to a far better place than we could ever imagine.

Endnote

Please note that this is a synopsis of our experience and should not replace the input of a certified IMAGO therapist if your relationship is in trouble. You can find a trained therapist by visiting IMAGO International. You can also find information on becoming a certified therapist or trainer at this site.

If you are intrigued and wish to learn more, I highly recommend the following books (click on title to purchase):

Getting the Love You Want

Getting the Love You Want: the New Couples Study Guide

Keeping the Love You Find: A guide for singles

Receiving Love

Giving the Love That Heals (This was the first book I read when i became pregnant with my first child. It focuses on parenting within this framework and it made me interested in the other titles listed above)

All titles are available in Spanish as well and likely in other languages.

Remember Halloween?

Fall is my favorite time of year for many reasons. It's my birthday for one (the one after 33 this year). But, I love the colors, the weather, Thanksgiving, the fact that it is the calm before the holiday storm, and I love Halloween.

Remember Halloween? As a kid, I remember waiting for my parents to get home so we could go trick or treating. My brother loved Halloween so much that he asked for a bucket of candy for Christmas when he was 2. Last year, my then 2 year old loved the first Halloween in her memory so much that she donned her costume the following day asking when we were doing it again. I dressed up for Halloween until my mid twenties. Then, I got married started having children and began to celebrate through my children.

But, I must share, it is not much of a celebration this year. Halloween like Christmas has become a dirty word in the public schools. Over the years, the United States has become more of multicultural and multi-religious society. I think this is great, but the powers that be just don't know what to make of it. The solution: Get rid of Halloween and trade in Christmas for "Holidays" to accommodate everyone.

It is certainly easier to get rid of something than try to incorporate the traditions of Hannukah, Kwanzaa, Spanish Day of the Dead, Ramadan, Eid al-adha and (gasp!) risk alienating our mostly Christian society. My son celebrated Hannukah last year (in Europe) to the point that I included a dreidel in his Christmas stocking. It doesn't bother me in the least that he is being exposed to other customs and that he realizes that our way is not the only way. But, in this PC world, it's just easier to deny anything that will tick someone off.

I was assigned the duty of planning a "Harvest Party" at Nicholas' school This is nice and all. I decorate for autumn at my house and enjoy going to Fall festivals. But, the party is taking place on October 30. I think it may be more appropriate to plan something like this in November. Mikayla is having a Halloween Party the same day at her (private) school. Costumes are optional. The kids at Nicholas' school are not allowed to wear costumes. In fact, at Nicholas' school, there is no sign of Halloween. Even the candy bags will be decorated with autumn leaves instead of ghosts.

I think it is really sad that rather than embrace other cultures, we repress our own. This is the world we live in. People take things way too personally in this world and offend way too easily. If I, as someone who celebrates Halloween, were to go into the principals office to complain that I felt my child's right to celebrate the holiday, I would be laughed at.

This country was founded primarily by Christians. This is why the main holidays on the calendar are Christian ones. However, I do not object to including the celebrations from other cultures on our American Calendar. It can only enrich a child's cultural awareness. I would rather do that than repress that which is part of our American heritage.

Coping with life: The Birthday Edition

I recently sent out an audio clip of a message to parents at an Australian school (transcript here). Joke or not, I agree wholeheartedly with this message and think that children need to be held accountable for their behaviors. I also think they need to be held accountable for their allergies and inability to cope with rejection, too.

Nicholas turns 7 on Friday. For the past 6 years, I have become Martha Stewart twice a year providing (or secretly purchasing) cupcakes for my childrens' classrooms. Well, it seems that that my cupcake license has been revoked.

It's not that I have a major problem with this personally. I am now much too busy juggling life to even go out and purchase cupcakes on non grocery shopping days. But, it matters for the kids. In my son's school (which, like a certain dark wizard, shall not be named), it is illegal to bring cupcakes to school. They are considered lethal weapons for children with allergies.

Well, let me let you in on a little secret, school that shall not be named: there were allergies when I was a child too! In fact, for me personally, just a little Coke (cola not crack) would induce asthma attacks in me as a child and cats make me break out in hives. But, see, back then (and in some parts of the world today i.e. Europe and beyond), parents were responsible for their children's allergies. My mom would not allow me to drink Coke (I am now addicted to it - the drink that is). And today, if I visit friends with cats, I pop a Zyrtec before visiting and it works like a charm without imposing on my friends to remove their cats from their home or banish them to a room. Even in Poland, if a child was allergic, the parent of that child would be notified that there would be a birthday celebration in school that week and that parent would be responsible for bringing in a safe substitute. The epi pen, if necessary, was always available.

Today, all the non allergic kids get screwed for the few with food allergies. Guess how they celebrate at my son's school? They tell you that a book or game can be donated to the class on your child's behalf. It's like an unbirthday without tea (because someone may be allergic). That's nice and all, but where is the fun in that for a kid! Unless I am donating to a rural school in Africa, this does not appeal to me especially when the donation is going to an affluent suburban school.

This leads me to my next birthday pet peeve: You cannot distribute invitations to a party unless everyone in the class is invited. I would love to invite a few of Nicholas' classmates over, but I do not want to play host to 25 children that will turn my home into ground zero and/or send me into bankruptcy by renting out a party palace. I also don't have the time to ambush the few chosen ones at school to give them an invitation outside of school. I would also probably be arrested for being a child predator which is so wrong on so many levels!

Kids are not invited to parties because a) they didn't get along with the birthday child, b) are simply not well liked or c) nothing at all. That's right - most of the time, it has nothing to do with your child, but with logistics (i.e. not enough room for all the kids, parents only want a couple of kids to manage costs, etc. What ends up happening is that the birthday child has to waive the rights to a small birthday gathering because a few kids cannot cope with the perceived rejection. How can children learn to cope when every teachable moment is sugar coated to make things easy on the them? It's nothing personal. In real life, not everyone is going to like you and, even if they like you, you are not going to be invited to every gathering they host. The sooner you learn that the easier life becomes.

Parents take notice because there is actually a label for these children when they grow up and begin to experience personal and social difficulties because their inner world is vastly different from societal reality. It falls under Axis II and it's called a personality disorder!

Ahhh....we're home!

I sit here once again surrounded by boxes that have become commonplace in my life, taking deep breaths both to help put the chaos in perspective and to inhale the wonderful aroma I call "new house" (i.e toxic paint fumes) smell.

As far as stress goes, this year has been the most stressful I/we have ever endured. On the scale of life events, I scored 426 which to me means that I am grateful not to have had a heart attack or stroke this past year. My score is actually much higher because that scale only gives you the "moving option" once - I'm up to two personal moves this year, one local and another international. To add insult to injury, my office is also in he process of being relocated, renovated and painted - yes I have been inhaling toxic fumes all day! I am deep in chaos and eagerly awaiting my vacation next week.

Despite all the stress, there has been much personal and family growth this year. As I look back, I wonder how the hell we got through this year. But, we did, which gives me hope that we can pretty much get through anything at this point.

On a personal note, I have always been a bit OCD about my space (thanks mom!). I hate clutter with a passion and having to live in a cramped apartment with stuff made for a large house removed me completely from my comfort zone. This is my neuroses. I am a Libra who needs some semblance order and balance to function, neither of which has been present in the way that I would like. But by actually following the same treatment plan I often prescribe to my patients and by taking many deep breaths (along with an SSRI and the brief stint of Valium;-), I somehow managed to cope with all this craziness. Seriously, people...the sight of another box is enough to induce a panic attack at this point, yet at the same time, if I ever were to find myself living in a cardboard box, it probably would not be much of an adjustment. I may even paint a wall cardboard brown just because!

It is far from over. We plan on having a huge garage sale to get rid of the bulk of the stuff that has taken up space in our garage since our arrival that we obviously don't need since we lived without it for this long.

Slowly but surely, we may actually be settled by the holidays, nearly a year after our arrival from Poland. As alluring and exciting as living abroad is, I would be perfectly happy to stay right where I am for a long while.

Enough is enough!

A few months ago, I came across a news story that made me sick. Three boys in three different states committed suicide after being bullied at school, taunted with gay slurs. The Oprah Winfrey show actually had two of the moms come on the show - one had buried her son two weeks prior, the other one had buried her son two days prior. It was heartwrenching!

One of the messages from that show was that the logic of "just ignore him/her" or "just walk away" or "just tell the teacher" does not work. Kids need to take their power back. This came to mind this week with my son. He has been attending summer camp for a few weeks and there are a couple of boys that torment him and a few other kids at camp by destroying things they make or interrupting their play physically. On one occasion, one of the boys would not give my son his toy back. My son sat on him until he relented. He got written up. And I could not have been prouder!

I have been talking to my son about bullying since preschool when he was put in "jail" by some of his foreign classmates in Poland for being "American" (during the Bush years). I have always tried to impart that you never hit or verbally abuse anyone as the first line of defense. However, after seeing these appalling stories on the news, I had to add a few weapons to his arsenal. I have had to change the way I help him handle these situations because unfortunately playing nice and by the book just doesn't work.

First, I tell my son that he needs to tell the bully to cut it out. If that doesn't work, he needs to tell a teacher or counselor. If that adult does not act, I have a talk with said adult and document all attempts to resolve the problem peacefully. If even this does not make the bully stop, I give my son full permission to defend himself verbally and even physically if necessary. This has been the situation at camp with young counselors that are afraid to discipline any child in fear that the parents of these little "heathens" may cause an uproar.

This week, my son mentioned that these boys were teasing him for having a "girlfriend". Nicholas said that he likes playing with this girl and that they are just friends. I told Nicholas that I was happy that he felt comfortable playing with both boys and girls, that there is nothing wrong with this and that one day his ease around girls will come in handy. My husband had other ideas....

Nicholas told us the names of these boys. My husband, whose judgment I questioned when he let me in on his plan, told Nicholas to make up a name to tease the boys back (I was not privy to this advice until after the fact). He came up with stinky Steven, cryin' Brian and dorky David.

Initially, I didn't think this was a great idea, something only an immature adult would come up with. I was expecting to have the camp counselor pull me aside to tell me that my son was teasing the other kids and having to explain that my immature husband told him to do this, but since they don't address any issues, that was unlikely.

Can I just say that it worked? First thing out of his mouth this afternoon was how he defended himself. When the kids made fun of him for playing with this girl, he came back at them saying "what's your problem cryin Brian? He says that the kids did not like that at all and he just kept repeating it until the kids stopped teasing him. A few of the other children who were being tormented by the same boys joined in. Soon they stopped and did not bother Nicholas or his friends for the rest of the day. It worked. He felt a sense of personal pride, but more important personal power.

Schools can only do so much. No tolerance for bullying is a start, but while that may work in school, it may not work on the playground or camp. Kids are not that great at generalizing and too many people stand by allowing this bullying to take place. I'll be da**ed if I let one of these insecure twits with major inferiority complexes drag down the self esteem that has taken years to build in my kids just to make themselves feel better. Enough is enough! Diplomacy only goes so far both on the world stage and on the playground. Sometimes actions and harsh words are needed.

Thoughts?

Today's Rant: Nickel and Diming in Medicine

This morning, I called the pediatrician to request copies of their school immunization record since they are both switching schools in September. I was absolutely dumbfounded when the receptionist told me it would cost $15 each. I heard of charging for medical records, but for a required school immunization form?

Some of you chimed in on my Facebook status stating that this is commonplace. I have only been out of the country for a little under 3 years and when I requested their updated records each summer in between, they were handed to me free of charge. Where is this miracle practice, you may ask? It's Pediatric Associates in Pembroke Pines, FL. Just this past winter, they sent me the kids records for free. Do they do this for everyone or just their international patients? I highly recommend them!

Last month, I ended up at our current pediatrician's office after Nicholas most recent out of hte blue asthma attack. Nicholas' asthma has subsided significantly in recent years with an attack coming about once a year, if that. i always keep medication on hand just in case, but it usually expires and gets thrown out. I was down to my last two vials of Xopenex and I managed to stabilize him and get him through the night. So the next morning, I went in only for a prescription.

The pediatrician examined him and then hooked him up to a nebulizer that was hooked up to an O2 tank. We were there for about 1.5 hours. When we left, I was prepared to pay my $20 copay only to find that the bill was actually $65. They were charging me for the nebulizer treatment, mask and tubing, all of which I could have done at home! I worked for a pulmonary practice at Joe DiMaggio Children's Hospital, so i am familar with nebulizer parts. You can get a disposable nebulizer kit for about $5-$6 bucks. And the medication - they get it for free from the drug reps! All i needed was Orapred, Flovent and Xopenex. After all the meds were purchased, the entire episode ran me $125 out of pocket.

My favorite comment on FB was from my brother in law who mentioned "They are just trying to make money before the "Change" comes." The "Change" of course is Obama's healthcare plan. While I am not completely sold on this initiative, being nickel and dimed for a paper that cost less than a penny to produce and for a disposable neb kit made me think that something's gotta give here.

This past year, I had a bunch of test done due to some abnormal liver antibody and some symptoms that were consistent with autoimmune disorders. They ran a panel of tests including a CT scan, echocardiogram, blood cultures and all kinds of other levels. I requested copies of each test because I knew the drill. They are going to make me come back for a consult whether the results were good or bad. I know because I work for a medical office and that is standard protocol. I didn't want to spend any more time in a doctor's office if I didn't have to so I had copies of all my labs, CT scans, echo, and cultures faxed to my office and had the doctor there review them even though they were self explanatory (you can do this too if you sign a release of information - they have to send a you a copy for FREE). Luckily, all my tests were normal and I still have no clue why the antibody was elevated. Nor do I care to continue the investigation.

I have insurance. yet, I must have paid out about $500 to cover the so called coinsurance on all these tests. It was absolutely ridiculous. What the heck are they billing for? I mean, thousands of dollars for a CT scan? Could they not checked my abdomen with a cheaper ultrasound instead? I feel that these tests were unnecessary and very expensive.

That is the one thing I do agree with - costs need to go down and tests should be ordered based on diagnostic necessity! Despite my healthcare reform reservations, it is very likely that this legislation will pass. No one likes change. In this country, we try to avoid it like the plague. But as a wise person once said, change is the only thing you can really rely on. So, I will take a wait and see approach here. I will give Obama's plan a chance and hope that once the growing pains have eased, our country's health and our pockets will be better for it.

Two Jolly Ranchers, a Reese's Peanut Butter Cup and a Hershey Kiss.: A Review of Hershey Park

Hershey Park is the chocolate version of Disney World or at least it tries to be. It is a chocolate themed world with mild kiddie rides and several thrill coasters.

We brought our kids, ages 6 and 3 to spend a day there mostly because they wanted to. We live in an area with multiple theme parks within a 3 hour radius. There's Busch Gardens Williamsburg with Water Country USA next door, Kings Dominion along the I-95 corridor, Six Flags America in MD and Six Flags Great Adventure in NJ, Sesame Place and Hershey Park in PA. We showed them the websites and they picked Hershey Park. Logistically, this was great because it was only a 2 hour drive. However, the park leaves much to be desired. I guess that having been to Disney World over 30 times creates very high standards for theme parks.

Let's start with parking. Most theme parks assign parking in an orderly fashion in order to fill in all spaces. This is not the case at Hershey Park where it seemed to be a parking free for all. They seem to have started out with the best intentions but got lost along the way. While a bit confusing, we ended up parking pretty close to the gate which made up for it.

As you walk towards the park, you pass "Chocolate World". This is separate from Hershey Park. There is a free factory ride/tour inside that ends with free samples as well as a "Factory Works" where kids can try their hand at packaging Hershey Kisses into a gear like box on an assembly line. The factory worker experience is free unless you choose to buy the candy your kid packaged and the picture ID badge identifying him or her as chocolate expert. Within this Chocolate World, there is an amusing 3D movie about Hershey products ($4.95 or $5.95) that can be a combined with a chocolate tasting tour for another $5. There is also a massive food court and gift shops galore selling all kinds of chocolate wares. The Kit Kat Cafe provides all kinds of sweets, coffee and milkshakes one can ever imagine.

As you pass Chocolate World and make it to the park gate, again the disorganization is quite obvious. Instead of having a queue for season pass holders or persons already holding tickets, there was no designation. So these people were getting all flustered waiting for all us who were purchasing tickets to finish our purchase. To be honest, anyone can sneak into this park if they really wanted to without buying a ticket because the chaos up front creates a great diversion.

Once you get past the gate you see a bronze statue of Milton Hershey eerily reminiscent of the Walt Disney/Mickey Mouse bronze statue that stands in front of Cinderella's castle. As you get to the "lands" you begin to realize that this is no Disney World. Mind you, my kids had a great time, but again, when you measure everything up to the Disney brand, this park just didn't cut it. The rides resembled amusements you would see at a county or state fair. The exception to this is the Boardwalk water park area which is phenomenal. You can easily spend the entire day just in that area. We came ready to spend a portion of the day there, but it was actually a bit chilly for July 3rd. I don't think it got above 70 degrees and there was a a breeze.

Many of the rides for the kids were for kids only. Still you should have seen the "helicopter parents" trying to sneak on the kiddie rides with their kids. They would hold up the lines as the ride operators kicked them off the ride. It was a bit annoying. Kids are not meant to be joined at your hip and if they are crying because they don't want to go without you, they are probably not ready to ride on their own anyway or you are not fostering your child's independence from you enough. Get a clue people!

There were several thrill coasters that looked appealing, but our kids are not tall enough to ride so we passed on those. Speaking of which, the way Hershey determines whether you can ride something or not is quite innovative. Instead of making kids measure up at each ride, they measure up before they even enter the park. Depending on where they fall, they are labeled a different candy bar. Josh and I were Jolly Ranchers (we can ride anything). Nicholas was a Reese's Peanut Butter Cup and Mikayla was a Hershey Kiss (both their favorite candies respectively). So at each ride they would list the picture symbol of each candy bar (height range) that could ride that particular ride. It was easier than trying to figure out how tall they were or waiting in line to then be turned away later.

Throughout the park you could easily find Hershey characters to interact with the kids. This was a nice experience - very small queues compared to those at Disney World. There were also musical acts performing at different times of the day.

The food was nothing to write home about, but the sweets....well, they don't call it "the sweetest place on earth" for nothing. Fudge in every flavor imaginable, pretzels covered in three different kinds of Hershey's chocolate chips, milshakes, ice cream (Cold Stone was also present in the park), S'mores stands, and the most amazing looking cakes. I say looking because between a sample here and there and lunch and dinner, it was all I could do to just look at some of these thing without getting a stomach ache. It was really a chocolate overload and I should have just lived off chocolate for the day rather than think I could have a regular meal and indulge.

Would I go back? Only to have chocolate all day and to enjoy the water park on a 90+ degree day and I would probably pair it with a trip to Amish country and other areas of PA. I don't feel the park is worth the $51.95 admission. Coupons are available for $8-$14 off at the local Giant stores.

I give it two stars out of five for the park and five out of five for the chocolate confections:-) I would go just for the chocolate!